Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I am a least in some ways

I have spent the last week knowing that in all likelihood everything would be just fine, but having the nagging fear that “what if it’s not...” I know the answer to the “what if” but I was really apprehensive about even the possibility of going there. Please God, humble me, just please not in that way (or in any of the previously requested exempt ways). I am the queen of disclaimers...note to self *must continue to work on that... I saw the big Doc and he extracted a really large (as in the 2nd largest he has taken out of someone’s mouth) calcification from my salivary duct. It reminds me of the little stones that we fished out of the huge redfish’s skull all those summers ago I think Dad said they helped the fish to balance and stay “upright” in the water I think I still have those things laying around in some memory box somewhere. I wonder if my stone was keeping me balanced? I am inclined to believe it was making me more imbalanced than balanced especially considering what it was doing to my immune/lymphatic system/s. The blockage kept a state of constant infection present. It never hurt or gave me a fever or any other reason to loathe its presence, but it was always on the low range of just irritating my body enough to never allow it to fully be free. Now I have a gaping hole in the bottom of my mouth...ew and the instructions to “come back if your nodes don’t go back down...I don’t see any reason to go further with them at this stage” I am a fan of scary stories or even a good slasher film on occasion, but what is it about the lurking in the “at this stage” part of the instructions that allows that nag to hang around. I am black and white when it comes to these things. I want the promise that it will all be okay and that I won’t have to think about or worry about this/that /the other thing ever again because (insert name) said so. My truth is that I am so constantly in need of reminding that the only (insert name) that belongs in those sentences is THE one and only and my vain flip flopping between inserting the names of Hero Husband, Doctors, friends, family, shoot...even acquaintances into that spot is just that... Vain and most importantly incorrect. I am grateful for the gift to walk another day unburdened by the specter of diminished health that will surely cross my path one day, but for now has passed me by. When it comes back I will have my armor on and my sword and shield at the ready.

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