Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I wade in a morass

Super Son is away at camp.

I miss him.

I have painted Miss Things nails 264 times since he left.

I'm fairly certain that he didn't even crack open the bottle of sunscreen,

that he changed his clothes only when mandated,

and that he had an absolutely wonderful time.

Which leaves me trying to find my place in the universe when this piece of my heart is off experiencing life and creating memories of his own that I will never share.

A certain member of my family is preparing to leave for college in the fall.
His mother is my grandfather's wife's youngest daughter.
She is also my father's grand children's great Aunt.

She was until very recently the only other mother in my 
family with sons within a decades age of my own.

So I'm all angsty and wandering in the morass of
"Every moment of magnitude in his life I have been by his side and now I'm not.  
I will never know him in the way these people are getting the chance to.  
He's creating a life of his own out there and I'm not in it"


and so I text her (on the day of her youngest's Freshman orientation)

What am I to do oh wise Mother of boys Guru

She responds

"I always said I wanted my boys to dance on stages I'd never seen."

Thank you wise Guru.  That too is what I want.
 An exceptionally uncommon life that makes him happy and lets him touch all of his dreams

and then I get the second part of her text

"Basically I'm a liar."


Apparently this thing does not get easier.

My mind and my heart need to have a serious weekend getaway 
together and get with the plan, cause facts are facts, he is growing up.  

I love the small glimpses of the man he will be 
but in equal measure with the hugs he still craves and asks for freely
and so maybe therein lies the answer.  

The exchange of one energy for another.  
As the energy of a child is traded for that of a boy 
and that of a boy is traded for that of a young man.  
The energy still remains, yet changed.  

Push and pull
Ebb and flow

Change can be hard, but change isn't necessarily loss.

Some things will be lost to time and some given more freely
but he and we will still remain...yet changed.

Change I can deal with.
In small doses.

Remain present...


Some whiskey probably wouldn't hurt either.

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